Tag Archives: weight

December 7, 2010 · 10:17 am

The first time I tried diet pills

I started at a boarding school in Grade 11. When I arrived, I had a stunning figure, slim and muscular.  I bought clothes without a care in the world. I wore my school uniform – a checked button down dress with ease. I remember another girl in the grade below me complimenting me one day on what a nice body I had. (Don’t get any ideas, yes this was an all girl’s boarding school, but she was merely making an observation!)

I was homesick and unable to speak to my parents on the phone; they lived in a remote part of Africa.  I was thrown into higher grade Maths and French which until then in my school life I had excelled at. All of a sudden I had to prove theorems and had oral exams in French.  My new friends and teachers comforted me, but the comfort I also sought solace in was…. food.

The meals themselves were not the healthiest. As anyone from boarding school will know, breakfast, lunch and dinner are inevitably smothered in some kind of cheese. I did not complain.  Sunday lunches were something I looked forward to… cauliflower in cheese, roast potatoes with gravy… ahh, just thinking about it now makes me hungry! The tuck shop had wonderful chips and chocolate for sale every day after prep… there was a couple weeks where I had a Tempo bar and BBQ Fritos every day.

As the months wore on my uniform became tighter and tighter.  A friend and I decided we had to do something about our weight gain. (Exercising and eating less was just not glamorous enough) and instead went to the pharmacy for diet pills.  We bought Thinz. They were within our budget, easy enough to take, and we could hide them in our closets.

About a week after taking the pills my friend and I were the most irritable we had ever been. We snapped not only at each other, but at other friends as well. Everything and everybody just seemed to annoy us.  We were in such foul moods that it scared us a bit.. most of the time we were always laughing and very carefree. However all of a sudden we were being horrible to everyone and feeling terrible.  It was an easy decision to make.. stop the pills. Life was just not fun, and instead of losing any weight, we were on our way to losing friends.

It’s been 10 years since then… I am still on the journey to get back to that slim muscular figure. I have realized though that diet pills just aren’t the answer and only hard work on my part will get me there.

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November 29, 2010 · 1:42 pm

The First Time I Felt Truly Lost

I have plans. I have dreams, I have hopes and I have fears. I had my life all mapped out, all my ducks in a row. And now, I just don’t know anymore.  I had a partner who loved me, a career on track and my health was better than ever. Then it all seemed to fall apart.

Don’t get me wrong though, it was no-one’s fault other than mine.  I let my partner go (we’re just too different); I have no job to go to (I am very picky); I let myself go and I was, I am, just miserable all of the time. I am lonely. I no longer have a job and I am fat. Pretty sad really. BUT, I can solve at least 2 of these things, perhaps even 3.

Firstly, I can get healthy again.  It’s a matter of focus and commitment, to wanting more from myself. It’s doing what is difficult, but for ME, for no-one else.

The job situation, well, I have plans. I still don’t want to compromise, for fear if I do I’ll be giving up on myself, so after every interview, if I don’t get a call back, that’s the time to carry on searching again. I don’t believe everything happens for a reason. There is no reason for anyone to be in constant turmoil and doubting themselves and their capabilities. I believe everything just happens and I believe this because when the right thing comes along for me, it will.

And finally, the lonely aspect. There is nothing I can really do about this, save for focusing on ME and holding my head up and ensuring I allow myself into situations where there is potential to meet new people.

Feeling lost and alone and unhappy sucks. And it seems that others don’t really get it because they all are enjoying their happy lives in their own happy bubbles and I don’t want pity, no one wants pity. But you know what?

Still talk about it. Sometimes you just need to get it out. Sometimes you need others to know you’re going through this, because if you don’t you’ll retreat into yourself, further and further and remain there. It is hard and especially so when everyone around you seems to be happy and well and you don’t want to always be the downer. But don’t keep it inside, don’t remain isolated, because since I have spoken about my angst (which is quite trivial in comparison to many people go through) I feel better, happier, and like I can actually do something about it.

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September 29, 2010 · 9:00 am

My First Dreams For My Body

My body is soft in all the wrong places.

I hate looking at my body. I can’t help but feel repulsed by it. Why can’t it play the game and look gorgeous? Why can’t it be strong and supple?

I am told that when you accept your body and believe that it is gorgeous then that positive body image is projected into the world and people start seeing you in a different light. A more receptive beautiful light. A slender, toned, sculpted, flab and wobble free light. I don’t buy it.

All I see is soft dimpled skin and a nose that looks like a button and freckles that seem to multiply when one just glances at them. Skin that is afraid of the sun and insides that are afraid of sugar – but crave it.

I want so badly to love my body, but it just seems to betray me at every turn. It cant eat yeast, it wont accept sunflower oil, it breaks out in burning pain at the mere thought of sugar and wine makes me aggresive and then a trip to the hospital is a possiblity. How can one be partial to a body that seems to make enjoying life so tricky?

But when I move I feel like one person. No longer fighting my body, but simply loving the way it glides in the room. Dancing is the one thing that saves me. It injects life into me and makes me love myself, all of me. My skin can be burning away because I caved in and bought that green tea ice-cream when my friend wanted one after dinner or my joints could be screaming with pain because I indulged in too much pasta – but when I start to dance the world melts away and everything feels right.

The moments when I come together are so precious to me. They make me realise that clinging to a dream is worth every sacrifice. Because if I let go of my dream then I cannot see me ever loving myself. And that is not a future that I relish.

I don’t think that your perception of yourself can change by simply shifting the way you think about yourself. It takes more than a mind shift, it takes dreams and hopes and the possiblity of realising goals. I love myself when I am doing what I love, there is a direct relation between action and knowing and feeling. I cannot convince myself that I am wonderful if I just sit back and let my dreams fade away.

Why can’t I see that it is a great body? I think it’s because I let someone tell me that my dream was no longer an option. I let go of my dream and the road to loving myself became dust. I started honestly taking hold of my dreams again despite what people had said and now I am ready to stop hating my body and believing that it failed me. It had only lost its dream.

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