How do you describe something that is beyond description? The butterflies in your stomach, the pounding in your chest and the confusion in your head – all irrational behaviours but still completely logical. They are logical because well, you no longer have ownership over your heart, control of your brain and the strength to fight for either of them.
Love I guess would be the operative word here. The first time I gave up the fight for my heart, and well my brain, I began to see the truth. I realised that maybe the person you fall for isn’t the right person but maybe that is not what’s important – maybe what’s important is the lessons you learn from giving your heart away.
Once upon a time wouldn’t be the perfect introduction for my first love and happily ever after definitely wouldn’t be the best conclusion for it either.
Biology was without doubt my favourite class in my eleventh year at school but my lab partner was a different story. I came to the conclusion that that year was going to be filled with hourly torturous sessions of awkwardness.
I had ended up sitting next to a guy with dark hair and ominous green eyes. Eyes which I had stared into furiously many times after long class debates. It was no secret that we agreed on little and found great pleasure in proving each other wrong. I had no idea how we were going to pull off being civil to each other in this class.
The weeks passed and we each found excuses not to say a word to each other. One day however I took a deep breath and walked in the door. I sat down next to him as usual, and annoyingly he was already unpacked and ready for the class. I said politely, “Hey.” And he replied “How’s it going?”
At that precise moment my heart began pounding – was I supposed to reply? If I reply what would I say? What happens if I sound like an absolute moron? I ended up saying nothing and the lesson carried on as usual. As the bell rang I packed my bag as quickly as I could and swung it over my shoulder leaving the room in a hurry. I was stumped. When did I start caring what he thought? When did I stop being able to concentrate on DNA transcription because I realised how close he was sitting next to me?
The next day he was the first to say hello. Greetings blossomed into actual conversations and conversations turned into excuses to see each other. It happened quickly and was over faster than it started. We fought constantly and realised that maybe our differences were greater than our love.
He was the first person I listened to when I didn’t want to, He was the first person I waited for to break a silence, He was the first person who kissed me, he was the first person I didn’t always have an answer for and he was the first person I truly loved.
But his love sent me out of my head and it came to a point where he no longer broke the silence and I no longer waited for him to. He was the last person I wanted to let go and the last person I wanted to push away. But sometimes life does the letting go and pushing away for you. Our hearts were broken. But our love made up for all of it.