I hate that topic.  It comes up often, usually on a girls evening!  Everyone sitting around giggling and laughing about the awkwardness of it.

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I have a story to tell if I am pushed.  I was 13, my last year at Junior School.  I had, had a boyfriend for a few months, you know the one you laugh and giggle with and write love letters to about your undying love for each other. (I still have one from him, so dramatic).  We snuck out of video evening and “met” outside the girls toilet and there he kissed me.  I remember his awkward tongue and big lips and then it was over and we were laughing and running back to the video.  We practiced a lot more after that and soon we got to be quite good at it.  But if you ask me about my first kiss that is not the one I think of first.

The first official kiss was not like that one at all.  I was a lot younger.  I was not excited and sweaty and giggly.  I only have flashbacks, I don’t really remember how the kiss felt, because it is the feeling in my stomach that I remember.  The panic.  The fear.  And yes the love.

You see I was in love with my older cousin.  I worshiped the ground he walked on.  He had problems at home so spent many a holiday with us on the farm that we lived on.  He loved the freedom from the city and being away from his family.  I loved the excitement of someone strong and fun being around.  He would tickle me and make me laugh.  He would let me ride on his back.  He would take us swimming and for walks, and exploring in the forest.  He was handsome and funny and strong.  I was 5 or 6, and had 2 younger sisters who took up my parent’s time and energy.  I had someone who loved me and made me laugh.

I don’t remember things chronologically.  I can’t recall the first time my love turned to dread and fear.  I don’t know when it happened or how it happened.  But my first kiss was one morning when I was in his room, jumping on his bed to wake him up.  My sisters were in the room playing too.  He was tickling me.  He had chewing gum and wanted to give me some.  It was funny.  And then it wasn’t.  I was laughing and then I wasn’t.  It was the first time that doubt crept into my mind.  The first time that I felt fear and the first time I felt overpowered.  I remember wondering what I should do.  Surely my sisters would see and laugh at me. Or maybe they would tell Mom and that would be terrible because whenever anyone kissed on TV we had to close our eyes.  I didn’t like the feel of his tongue in my mouth, that was disgusting.  I froze!  I panicked.  I wanted to run away.  He whispered that he loved me and that it was ok, it was our secret and that he wouldn’t tell Mommy.

I was relieved that it was over.  I left the room and went to get breakfast.  And of course my relief was only temporary as that was only the beginning….. As we all know that a first kiss is usually just that, the first, of many!

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