The First Time I Questioned My Sexuality

I was around 7 or 8 years old when I started enjoying playing ‘mommy and daddy’ with other girls. My favourite part was when we went to bed. I liked taking turns, sometimes being the mommy and other times being the daddy. We’d ‘bump and grind’ each other with our clothes on. I found girls bodies much softer and their touch much more gentle than boys, I can make the comparison because I had also played this game with boys!

The year I turned 7 there was a girl who moved into our neighbourhood and our mothers took an immediate liking to one another and we both had little sisters who were the same age and became friends so it was expected that she and I also become friends. I wasn’t interested at all as I had my own friends but I had very little say in the matter as our families became a close knit. She didn’t turn out to be even as half bad as I had imagined, she was a year younger than me. We got on really well and visited each other every day.

It wasn’t until I was 13 years old that I thought I might be more than just fascinated with girls – I realised that I had feelings and the day I discovered those feelings was the day one of my best friends told me there was a boy that was interested in her at her school. What got to me was how excited she was about the fact that this boy had asked her to be his girlfriend! I felt betrayed that she’d choose a boy over ‘us’.

At that age I hadn’t thought that we’d need to have boyfriends, I was quite happy with our little world. We had been seeing each other every day of our lives for about 6 years, we had played ‘mommy and daddy’ together for years, she had allowed me to play with her vagina and I had liked it. I had no concept of lesbianism or bisexualism; I just knew I loved her.  She was shocked to find that I felt this way about her and told me I was crazy and weird because girls don’t date each other.  I was hurt that she didn’t take me seriously but I let it go and I let her go, I didnt see a point for holding on to the friendship I missed her terribly though.

Years went by and I eventually forget about her. I dated a few boys during my high school days, then when I turned 17 I met another girl who had me hooked on her, she was on an exchange programme at our school and we attended the same Geography class. I knew immediately that I had a crush on her and that I had to get to know her but wasn’t sure how to approach her. It worked to my advantage that I lived in the township and this girl had never been to one so when she mentioned this in class I happily volunteered to take her on a tour. We got along very well and to my delight we shared the same ‘curiousity’ about wanting to be with girls. We started spending a lot of time together and ended up dating secretly as we both had boyfriends. When the time came for her to go back to her home country I was sad but happy at the same time that I had allowed myself to explore another side to myself.

After that experience I started identifying as bisexual because I still dated guys and continued to secretly see girls. My attraction for girls grew more intense and I eventually did away with boys. Over the years that followed I kept going back and forth with questioning my sexuality. Now, I proudly identify as a lesbian, not that it matters much to me. I’m not a fan of labels but feel it has its place in giving a voice to any minority group. I believe sexuality is fluid in general.

3 thoughts on “The First Time I Questioned My Sexuality

  1. Sexuality is extremely fluid! This is a truly amazing site…the bringing together of so many stories! This story is beautiful and one so many LGBT people can so relate to. AMAZING!


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