This one should be a short story…but maybe not considering it took me two years to get over the fact that this young man wrote (in reply to my declaration of love) -“I’ve always seen you as a friend!” ouch, a nice way to say -sorry for you, you are in love alone. He is a cousin of a friend-I know him from varsity. I remember chatting about him before we met, I jinxed myself and said id take care of him. Me and my big mouth! The first time we met – it was nothing magical – a well mannered guy, lovely chocolate dark skin, facial hair and a warm smile. The busyness of lectures, tutorials, cheese and wines, social sports, and church activities helped ease the knowing each other process.
It took me awhile to ‘fall for him’ or at least admit it. I must say, looking back he did try to let me down gently, I wouldn’t have it. We attended a formal function together; I was looking breath-takingly beautiful. One of the gentlemen remarked that I was ravishing. Do you think I even cared? My longing was for Mr. friend to say wow-Z you look nice or better still- ‘aah Z you are in the mix’ that’s what he would say if anything was good etc.
Looking back I was a stalker-obsessed if you ask me. I even knew how he smelt. Yes, not his deodorant. I don’t want to be admitted in the nearest mental institution. Bottom line-I should have believed the book: “He is just not that into you”. I had to read it twice to realize that it’s true ….’if he is not asking you out …he is JUST not that into you’. SOB SOB. Some guys are too amazing. So I wrote him a letter and told him my heart beats lumpy custard for him. He told me ‘I’ve always seen you as a friend’ . I can’t believe I can say that and not feel like I’ve been stabbed with 12 knives simultaneously. I guess its true, time (and being with someone that sees me as ‘more’ than a friend) has helped me heal.
It’s said love is blind-goodness so is unrequited love. The only good is that if I live long enough for grandkids, ill have a funny story to tell.