The first time I tried to have sex failed! I didn’t understand it then, as I do now, but it felt like we were trying to put a square object into a round hole – it just wasn’t fitting and it just wasn’t fun.
Looking back I realise that I had over-thought the whole process, a bit of a catch 22 situation as most of us are taught from puberty that we must think long and very carefully about losing our virginity and the whole topic of sexual intimacy itself. So, true to form, instead of allowing nature to have some say in the way it happened I basically planned the experience as if planning a holiday trip; with a whole lot of lists.
I had done the responsible thing and spoken to my boyfriend at the time about having sex with him and he was fully aware that I was still a virgin and I was fully aware that he had been quite promiscuous. So first things first, I sent him off to Lifeline to make use of their free AIDS test – no need for me to go because there was no reason to in my eyes. I then waited the obligatory 3 months, just in case, before I began to plan “the event”.
In the interim, I visited an abortion clinic (yes, an abortion clinic AND another item on my list) in order to obtain birth control. I didn’t just go down to my local pharmacy and speak to the nurse, no I had to go to the “experts” in the industry and get the best of the best – which also turned into the most expensive. Needless to say I eventually, a year or so later, calmed down and joined the masses with the free contraceptive pill.
Anyway, back to planning… So we (or rather I) set a date when we would “do” it and it happened to be an afternoon when I knew I had no extramural activities at school (I was 17 at the time). We went to his house and began.
It started out ok as we touched and kissed, as we had done many times before, and then it came to the moment of penetration and it just would not go in. We tried a little bit of pushing and prodding but it just got sorer, more uncomfortable and a little embarrassing for the both of us. Neither of us really knew what to do or what was wrong – they don’t teach you this sort of thing in sex education.
Looking back I can clearly see the error of my/our way – I simply wasn’t turned on and so there was no vaginal lubrication. I was so nervous and tense about the whole thing that I think I also literally just clamped up. Instead of being in the throes of passion, I had treated the entire process clinically – not a good idea. We decided to stop trying that afternoon and he took me home.
We did end up trying again but this time I was “prepared” or so I thought – still not romantic or passionate AT ALL. I got him to rent an adult movie, to put us in the mood, and I bought a large tub of Vaseline – don’t judge, I didn’t know about KY jelly as yet! This time it worked – it wasn’t great, it wasn’t even good, but all lubed up with Vaseline seemed to do the trick and just managing to get it all the way in seemed like such a victory to me that it never crossed my mind that I had just had an experience that could never be repeated again and one I would remember forever and ever like this…
What I know now is that I was right in discussing STDS and contraception with my boyfriend but actually planning the exact time of the event is never a good idea – it ruins the spontaneity and it loses the magic. Be prepared, have contraception available and ensure you trust the person and have made the decision on your own (without coercion) to sleep with them, but other than that, don’t think anymore – let it happen when it happens and it will probably be a more memorable and pleasurable experience than mine.