As a kid my step-sister suffered from anorexia. Her dad used to tell her how fat she was all the time, and the mental effect this had on her didn’t take long to manifest into a physical effect. I witnessed her wasting away with my own eyes and I swore I would never let anything like that happen to me. When I was a teenager I was a skinny-malink. I look back now and I can’t believe how skinny. But, I had a healthy appetite (healthy in the ‘I eat a lot’ way not necessarily the healthy food kind of way), and I played a lot of sport, which is why I was so skinny.
When I went to University, the sport stopped and thanks for res food, my diet got worse, but I managed to look after my weight by walking a lot (not owning a car helped with that). But, it was when I got my first office job that things started to go south, and this was the first time that I truly started to understand what other women had been saying about hating their bodies.
The exercise stopped, the walking stopped and I replaced it with sitting at a desk in front of a computer from 9am – 6pm. My stomach grew, my legs expanded and even my face got bigger. I feel uncomfortable in my own body, and I hate it. I look at photos of friends who have managed to stave off the office job symptoms, and look at them with jealousy – they look like they are in the prime of their lives. Which they are. Which I am. But, I don’t feel like I am.
I hate how my stomach sticks out when I sit down, and sitting feels uncomfortable after eating. I hate that none of my clothes fit me. I hate that I can no longer take a decent photo because my double chin ruins them all. I just hate my body right now.
For me it is not about the figures. I will openly say that I currently weigh 82kg’s. This, for my body type and height, isn’t drastically overweight. I’m not obese, I know that. For me, it is the fact that I feel uncomfortable in my own skin. I don’t feel comfortable wearing anything remotely too tight. I don’t feel comfortable taking my clothes off in front of my boyfriend. I don’t feel comfortable wearing a bathing suit. I just don’t feel comfortable full stop.
I know I just need to figure out how to feel comfortable again. But, that’s easier said than done. I’m not a runner, or a swimmer, and don’t particularly like going to the gym (although that may have to do with the uncomfortable part – I don’t like exercising in front of other people either because I don’t want them judging my fat rolls). I also don’t really enjoy team sports. I still need to find that ‘thing’ – that exercise that I will firstly enjoy, and secondly, will help me get back into a shape that isn’t round…