A safe place, where I could have a pimple squad attacks my face and be genuinely called beautiful. To be able to gain weight-like honestly gain weight and not wish take ‘drink and shrink’(to be some unrealistic goal weight) aah if love could grow with me-like roses when I did, dark chocolate when I was addicted, drink rooibos and decaf coffee with me. There ought to be some magic to love…the way he smiles, then does a nervous glance down and chats away…ayi mani mina angazi (oh no, I don’t know) the minute I think I have love pinned down if flows out of my fingers and redefines itself.
I know love is not being ignored, being made to feel like my opinions don’t matter or not intelligent enough. Love is not empty promises of big and amazing ceremonies of commitment. Love shouldn’t feel like a job interview-man the employer and has plenty of applicants nee girlfriends and when he is done sapping the life out of them [if they are lucky there is no fighting or ‘ukuchithana’ literally to overthrow] he chooses a ‘wife’. For a long time I looked and found myself frustrated with the way I saw relationships handled/done so I just withdrew…
I want love to be interchangeable with words such as complete acceptance, growth, support, dreams…please I don’t want to be a tag on- Mr so and so and his oh pretty wife so and so…BOO_HU!.
I have a love model like I said it changes though, In human form its Oscar. A nerdy friend of mine, yes I’ve had deep and meaningful conversations with myself about him…I wouldn’t have made him the way he is if I tried, but I also wouldn’t change a thing. Funny isn’t it?! Destiny’s Child sang a song –Brown eyes and part of the chorus says ‘I know that he loves me cos he told me so’ that’s exactly it. Oscar loves me.
I struggle to process hectic emotions. It’s a sad thing because I love reading-literature and poetry are my life passions. Its different with him, a dear friend indeed. He makes the simplest of words sound like a melody. I mean they just don’t make men as kind anymore…jokes I certainly hope more like him are spread across the world. It would be a shame to not. He writes me letters, hand written, long, full of emotions, thoughts, and silliness. I blame it on being library monitors at school, that’s how we became friends. Ten years later we are still thick as thieves …I love the way we can laugh real loud and its ok.
It’s the funniest thing-he is still convinced Im intelligent, even though the last time I got a ‘first class’ pass was in second year undergrad. He believes in me, my ridiculous dreams, he gets me. I wouldn’t trade that for anything. I visited him for ‘healing’ for my devastated heart-he is the life doctor –every encouraging thing I had said/lived with him, he said back at me. I had a good time, the fact that he is a vegetarian made my undisturbed meat-eating spree great.
Love is kind words, actions that build up a person-love frees you to be the best or at least try to be . That’s Oscar for me, he is what I wish love was.