Decisions are tough and we don’t always know whether they are right or not. We might never know. There are decisions in our lives that shape us and lead us on long roads to eventual self-fulfillment (so we hope) and decisions that take us backwards on occasion.
One of the biggest decisions I ever made was to leave my long-term boyfriend. I loved him, in fact a part of me will always love him, but essentially we were two strangers moving in parallel universes, neither of us willing to give way to the other.
Or was this the case? Looking back now, yes, I think it was. I am a “city-girl” for want of a better word and he a “small-town boy.” Our families, education and history were all so different and uncompromising, or rather, we let them be. Neither of us was willing to yield to the other – we each had our own plans and dreams that didn’t seem to include one another. We tried long distance and then I made the decision, not lightly, that we were moving on, in separate vacuums, quickly away from one another and before long we would be strangers. That is not a life is it? Surely not. But making a decision such as this comes with the consequences.
And the consequences? Well we no longer talk, again, my decision, and the correct one. The best one for my sanity. Why? He moved on, I couldn’t and still don’t understand how one day you can be so utterly in love with someone and the next you’re so utterly and completely in love with someone else. Where is the grieving process? Where is the respect? He wants to be friends? HAH! Now that’s a joke.
How is it that you’re supposed to be friends with someone who you loved, who you were intimate with, who you shared your deepest darkest secrets with and now he has someone else but still thinks it can all be the same.
No. Not on my time. I am stronger and better without him but if he stays in my life I am more attuned to the fact that I am lonely and it is difficult and I keep asking myself why and if and did I make the right decision?
The answer is yes, I did, but I can only be sure of that when I have no contact. When he decided to date her so quickly after me he essentially made the decision that I was no longer in his life and I am better for it. The pain slowly dissipates with time (pretty corny I know) but it does.
Let’s be honest, of course he’s allowed to move on, he must. I think the hardest part of this whole thing is that he never fought for me. When I made the decision that we wouldn’t work long distance he said ok. When I made the decision that he shouldn’t come and see me, he said fine. In fairness, he was just following everything I was saying, but I wanted him to fight for me, to show me that I was wrong, that we could and would work out. Silly I know, but what it does show me, is that I need someone who will fight for me and want to be with me and move mountains for me and that is why I cannot and will not keep him in my life and cannot have contact with him even though he wants to ‘be friends’.