My First Right Decision Since We Broke Up

Decisions are tough and we don’t always know whether they are right or not.  We might never know. There are decisions in our lives that shape us and lead us on long roads to eventual self-fulfillment (so we hope) and decisions that take us backwards on occasion.

One of the biggest decisions I ever made was to leave my long-term boyfriend. I loved him, in fact a part of me will always love him, but essentially we were two strangers moving in parallel universes, neither of us willing to give way to the other.

Or was this the case?  Looking back now, yes, I think it was. I am a “city-girl” for want of a better word and he a “small-town boy.”  Our families, education and history were all so different and uncompromising, or rather, we let them be. Neither of us was willing to yield to the other – we each had our own plans and dreams that didn’t seem to include one another. We tried long distance and then I made the decision, not lightly, that we were moving on, in separate vacuums, quickly away from one another and before long we would be strangers. That is not a life is it? Surely not. But making a decision such as this comes with the consequences.

And the consequences? Well we no longer talk, again, my decision, and the correct one. The best one for my sanity. Why? He moved on, I couldn’t and still don’t understand how one day you can be so utterly in love with someone and the next you’re so utterly and completely in love with someone else. Where is the grieving process? Where is the respect? He wants to be friends? HAH! Now that’s a joke.

From http://www.indieberries.blogspot.com

How is it that you’re supposed to be friends with someone who you loved, who you were intimate with, who you shared your deepest darkest secrets with and now he has someone else but still thinks it can all be the same.

No. Not on my time. I am stronger and better without him but if he stays in my life I am more attuned to the fact that I am lonely and it is difficult and I keep asking myself why and if and did I make the right decision?

The answer is yes, I did, but I can only be sure of that when I have no contact. When he decided to date her so quickly after me he essentially made the decision that I was no longer in his life and I am better for it. The pain slowly dissipates with time (pretty corny I know) but it does.

Let’s be honest, of course he’s allowed to move on, he must. I think the hardest part of this whole thing is that he never fought for me. When I made the decision that we wouldn’t work long distance he said ok. When I made the decision that he shouldn’t come and see me, he said fine. In fairness, he was just following everything I was saying, but I wanted him to fight for me, to show me that I was wrong, that we could and would work out. Silly I know, but what it does show me, is that I need someone who will fight for me and want to be with me and move mountains for me and that is why I cannot and will not keep him in my life and cannot have contact with him even though he wants to ‘be friends’.

10 thoughts on “My First Right Decision Since We Broke Up

  1. Thanx for that story.I think I’m not the only one that can identify with that.We women are amazing,real soul soldiers. If its ok to say this:i feel u 🙂

    Like

  2. Thanks for your words. I also made that hard decision and after a lot of time have realised that I couldn’t have made a better one. We all deserve someone who will fight for us and I hope your journey takes you there.

    Like

  3. I hear you but from my point of view it is possible to respect your ex, move on and still want to be friends with her. You must do whats best for you and if no contact with him benefits you, then that works for you. It’s obvious you couldn’t be a couple from what you said but I believe he sincerely wants to be your friend. People are in our lives for a reason not by chance so the question you should ask yourself is can you be strong enough to have a friendship with him. Maybe the answer is not right now, you need more time.

    You said your stronger without him or is it really just that you’re harder. When you were in a long term relationship regardless of how good it was people don’t stop caring for one another just because someone ended it. Men in general continue to have a protective feeling for their ex. The fact that he didn’t fight for you just means that just as you lost faith in your relationship so to did he.

    What if he did fight for you, would he win you back, maybe but he would have to have faith in your relationship to do that.

    He did not, and why should he when you didn’t? You two were together for a reason, love, friendship, whatever so are you willing to turn your back completely on him? Live every day as if its your last. It will be a difficult task trying to be friends but anything in life worth fighting for is difficult. Whatever your decision is, good luck.

    Like

    1. Wow this was great insight. I’m going through the samething. We lived together and things just weren’t working. He didn’t fight for me but your insight made me reallly understand why. Thank you so much for this. This truly helped me get out of bed today.

      Like

  4. great story.. brandon’s point about getting ‘harder’ and mistaking it for getting stronger rings very true. i have been thru a similar situation and told myself i am only stronger because of it, however i realise now i am just much harder. i find most men to be pathetic, immature and unable to have a conversation without those annoying bedroom eyes and suggestively licking their lips every now and then. ugh.. maybe i just need to loosen up and lose this hard exterior i have built up.

    Like

  5. Sometimes walking away is the healthiest decision you can make. Why torture yourself or them? People tend to make breakups harder sometimes by trying to be friends with the person and a friendship with an ex is never going to be a ‘normal’ friendship.

    There have to be boundaries and a mutual respect for each others feelings and essentially when you are initially friends with an ex you need to ‘tread on eggshells’ around each other until the initial hurt subsides. Its not impossible to be friends with an ex but it takes time and two people making an effort in the friendship and it is difficult.

    Like

  6. I don’t think it’s fair to ask if you can “be strong enough to have a friendship with him”. Sometimes it’s the most difficult thing in the world is to stop relying on that person you still clearly deeply care about and to stand on your own two feet. I kept too much contact with my ex for months after we broke up because it was so comfortable and so easy. One of the hardest things I’ve ever done was cutting those ties because I realised that it would be the best thing to do in the long run. I do believe that he was in my life for a reason, and if it was worth it to him then he still would be. But it wasn’t and he’s not and finding out who I am totally independently from him does make me stronger. Big up to you who wrote this!

    Like

  7. hi there, my ex girlfriend wants her space at moment and she still want to be friends. she sent me a card last week saying that we had some good times together and will remember them. take care of myself. she also called me on the weekend to talk…general stuff only.
    at the end of the card she said to me that if we are meant to be we will to together again…

    i don’t understand i’m confused can anyone please help as i still love her very much and don’t know what i should do.we still talk but our relationship long distance?

    regards anthony

    Like

  8. I still don’t know if exes…true exes can be friends. Obviously they were your be all and end all at one point of your life but now…not so much. You broke up for a reason. Be it distance or falling out of love or anything really. You broke because you couldn’t (or wouldn’t) work.

    My ex and I don’t talk… I mean we message on birthday’s, or the odd ‘hi’ every couple of months. But we aren’t ‘friends’.

    I think when people ‘move on’ then that’s when the relationship between the two of you becomes definitively severed – especially in long distance. If you want to make a long distance relationship work then you need to fight for it (but only if the other party is willing to fight too).

    I know a lot of friends disagree with me and think exes can be friends – i sometimes wonder if that is based on how much you ‘loved’ the other person, or as someone once mentioned ‘there’s an ex between you and that ex – so its easier.’ Perhaps they are right. I think it depends on the ‘type’ of friendship you want. If its a peripheral ‘friend’ – more like an acquaintace you might see once in a blue moon then that is perhaps easier, but I really don’t think you can be friends, 100% like you were – your BEST friend ever again…but thats me.

    Like

  9. thank you. I’m going through this right now. I left for the same reasons! He didn’t fight for me and he should have. He had no remorse and he should have! He was mean and nasty often! I tried and cried and now with every day i’m trying to move on. Sometimes you have to let them go and something tells me each day that someone will come who wants to treat me like a princess. Good on you. Xxx

    Like

Leave a Reply to Sarah Cancel reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s