My worst sexual encounter was with a man I had met a few days earlier. Basically he was a stranger, an attractive stranger. We had been drinking and dancing at a Hawaiian party and then decided the sexual tension was just too much to resist. I remember having reservations about this, but shelving them with all the other reservations labeled ‘prude’. I have a rather large shelf called ‘prude’, most of those ignored reservations and thoughts I regret shelving…apparently age and maturity make the shelves less cluttered, let’s hope.

Well I got the condoms and he found the secluded area (we were at a holiday resort, he was a friend of an employee and I was an employee who shared a room…which made my room null and void as a venue for our liaison and he didn’t have a room). He chose a wooden deck far away from guests and employees. I don’t know how many of you have tried to have sex on a wooden floor of any kind, but let me warn you to put it on your ‘let’s never try that shelf’ or the ‘most uncomfortable thing I could ever imagine shelf’. However I was still game (which I blame on the booze) and thought that it might be so good that the discomfort would be outweighed by the amazingness of the affair.

Image from goodmorningandgoodnight.com

Not so…apparently when a guy has not had sex for a while, or recently given himself a helping hand in the situation, then it is all over very fast. I had barely realised we were having sex before he gasped and started apologising.

Really it was all too much for me, I said something like “you can’t be serious”, which only made the situation worse and him all defensive and cross. I put my clothes on and stalked off the deck, embarrassed and angry. I stupidly thought it was my fault and he was such an asshole that he let me think it was my fault. For days I thought that maybe it was because I was not attractive enough, or that I didn’t turn him on enough…or for long enough for it to be mutually satisfactory.

I woke up feeling awful and self-conscious, vowing never to mention what had happened the night before and to avoid, at all cost, the man in question. Which would have been easy if I had not left my little purse in his pocket, he thought I had done it on purpose so that I had an excuse to see him again…which made my blood boil while also reducing me to the girl I was in high school who felt ugly and unattractive. Luckily he arrived when I was out and left it for me so the dreaded encounter after the dismal act was delayed by a few weeks.

Fortunately I was working with an astute male colleague who became tired of my moping around the place we had nicknamed ‘paradise’. I reluctantly informed him of what had occurred and he assured me that it was not my fault and told me the above mentioned fact about the reasons behind early ejaculations. He also mentioned that this guy was a loser and that he was going to warn me about him, but forgot.

So to sum up: excessive booze and sex are not a good combination; inadequate foreplay can result in lots of dissatisfaction and premature ejaculations; uncarpeted wooden floors of any kind, especially outside decks, are super uncomfortable for sexual encounters; sex with someone you don’t actually know has the potential to backfire awfully because awkward situations like premature anything become too embarrassing to discuss and result in horrible later encounters where someone feels embarrassed and someone feels cheated; losing your sense of humour in a situation is never a good idea, make a small joke about the awkward thing in question and try again until it works; and lastly share your worst experiences with friends, inevitably they have a worse story to contribute so you feel better about the whole thing and everyone feels less like they are the only people that terrible, only in hindsight funny, situations happen to.

Advertisements