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Sex, is a weird thing. It seems to me that what the eye sees the body wants.

The first time I had feelings for a woman is when I was in high school. Ours was an all girl school, girls everywhere. I was not allowed to attend any school socials or even my matric dance, so I never had a boyfriend until first year.

I mean like most school girls I had fantasies about my male teacher (we only had one), but it was the girls at school that I was intimate with, you know talking sharing stories and even hugging. I had feelings for this one girl but I think it was because at the time she felt sorry for me. She would come up to me and hug me when she thought I needed it. I responded but I think at some point, it became uncomfortable for her, because people thought I was lesbian.

Man I didn’t even know what that was then. To be lesbian. She stopped talking to me eventually.

I was still obsessed with women well into my varsity years however, especially when I understood that some of my attentions (I would say fascination) towards women actually had a name. Lesbian.

Eventually I did end up having sex with a woman. I did initially for my boyfriend (now my husband). He knew I had feelings (sexual) for women but, I had never acted on it.

When finally did it, it was an experience (the first one) I could confidently say I will never regret but will never repeat. I lay there as the woman touched me and poked me in places only men have ventured. It was empowering to say the least. I thought yeah this is what I have been missing out, this woman knows exactly were to touch me. I was extremely aroused by all this. She was experienced and I was not (with women). But as the night went on, I realised that there wasn’t much difference in the way of the act as it is when I had sex with a man.

I was at this point convinced that I was bi-sexual after that. And I had sex with two more women after that. But every time I did it I felt hollow and empty afterwards. Not because I was involved with someone else but because I realised it was and only was a school girl fantasy.  You might think I am only saying this because I have not had a real relationship with a woman, but I have. Even then it did not feel right.

This has made me have a new respect for people who date others oF the same gender. It seems it’s easy to do and just a fantasy, but it isn’t feelings of want have to be involved in the transaction. As in you would really have to be interested in women to sleep with them and not just some fantasy.

I also now know what I want sexually because I did it. So sex can be what the eye sees and the body wants, but it does not mean that is what your heart wants.

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