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My first time was in a single bed with a man that I loved. It was gentle and quick and not orgasmic, but totally satisfactory. We discovered each other over the weeks that followed that opening act and each time it became better…and the orgasms arrived.

What I have come to realise is that orgasms for me only occur with someone that I love, or at the very least someone that I have an emotional connection with. I may as well be a corpse for all that I feel when I have sex with someone that I do not know or that I have no emotional bond with. I know this is not the case for all women, however I have learnt that it is the case with some of my friends…which makes me think that we are not so unique in this situation of nothingness.

A good friend confided in me that sex with her boyfriend was AMAZING! She had finally discovered the joys of orgasms during sex…which had been the Scarlet Pimpernal of sensations her entire sexual life. I informed her that I had not had one since I broke up with my last boyfriend and then we realised the link between us was the emotional bond that we had developed (her) and lost (me). Until her boyfriend sex for her was casual and mostly done in a drunken state, which resulted in zero stimulation and satisfaction. She had no idea how wonderful sex with someone you loved could be.

Sex should be the ultimate physical connection with another human being. It has the potential to bond you with another individual for eternity…which is why it should be done with someone that you trust and someone that values you. This is also why rape and sexual violation is so traumatic, it links you to that person forever. It’s like you become imprinted with the other person’s being, a small imprint almost invisible, but it stays with you forever – stuck in your body memory recalled at random when you least expect it. You cannot erase the memory of someone else being so intimate with you.

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Which is why I only have sex with someone that I connect with physically, emotionally and intellectually. Which sounds puritanical and possibly something a school counselor would suggest, but I have become tired of meaningless attempts at physical satisfaction, which never results in satisfaction of any kind. It always results in a void and a feeling akin to disappointment, like I have settled for something far below second best when actually I deserve Number One. A Number One who makes me laugh and feel safe. A Number One who loves all my curves and doesn’t even notice my cellulite. A Number One who wants to make sex the most intimate, special and orgasmic affair ever in the world.

Which is not to say that there is only one Number One for a person. I believe there is potentially a multitude of Number One’s in any one person’s lifetime. I have had one Number One in my life so far, and I’m hoping that the next Number One comes along soon, I’m also hoping this next Number One is for keeps.