My First Orgasms

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My first time was in a single bed with a man that I loved. It was gentle and quick and not orgasmic, but totally satisfactory. We discovered each other over the weeks that followed that opening act and each time it became better…and the orgasms arrived.

What I have come to realise is that orgasms for me only occur with someone that I love, or at the very least someone that I have an emotional connection with. I may as well be a corpse for all that I feel when I have sex with someone that I do not know or that I have no emotional bond with. I know this is not the case for all women, however I have learnt that it is the case with some of my friends…which makes me think that we are not so unique in this situation of nothingness.

A good friend confided in me that sex with her boyfriend was AMAZING! She had finally discovered the joys of orgasms during sex…which had been the Scarlet Pimpernal of sensations her entire sexual life. I informed her that I had not had one since I broke up with my last boyfriend and then we realised the link between us was the emotional bond that we had developed (her) and lost (me). Until her boyfriend sex for her was casual and mostly done in a drunken state, which resulted in zero stimulation and satisfaction. She had no idea how wonderful sex with someone you loved could be.

Sex should be the ultimate physical connection with another human being. It has the potential to bond you with another individual for eternity…which is why it should be done with someone that you trust and someone that values you. This is also why rape and sexual violation is so traumatic, it links you to that person forever. It’s like you become imprinted with the other person’s being, a small imprint almost invisible, but it stays with you forever – stuck in your body memory recalled at random when you least expect it. You cannot erase the memory of someone else being so intimate with you.

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Which is why I only have sex with someone that I connect with physically, emotionally and intellectually. Which sounds puritanical and possibly something a school counselor would suggest, but I have become tired of meaningless attempts at physical satisfaction, which never results in satisfaction of any kind. It always results in a void and a feeling akin to disappointment, like I have settled for something far below second best when actually I deserve Number One. A Number One who makes me laugh and feel safe. A Number One who loves all my curves and doesn’t even notice my cellulite. A Number One who wants to make sex the most intimate, special and orgasmic affair ever in the world.

Which is not to say that there is only one Number One for a person. I believe there is potentially a multitude of Number One’s in any one person’s lifetime. I have had one Number One in my life so far, and I’m hoping that the next Number One comes along soon, I’m also hoping this next Number One is for keeps.

8 thoughts on “My First Orgasms

  1. Thanks for sharing that. I agree – though I think you’re right in saying that all women are different and maybe some can be totally satisfied by a stranger.

    I had sex with a stranger for the first time last week. I wouldn’t say it was awful and if my other encounters hadn’t been with people I truly loved then I think it probably would have been enjoyable. I wouldn’t even say I feel guilty about it – but I do feel like I now have this extreme connection to this random person who I don’t even know. I feel like I’ve given him a part of me and I can’t get it back, and I don’t even know if I like him. So I’m keeping him around, though I’ve told him that we’re not doing THAT again, partly because he’s nice but partly because I feel like if he leaves then this part of me goes with him.

    I hope your next number 1 is for keeps too. Love is just wonderful.

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  2. I agree wholeheartedly. You can’t beat that emotional connection. In my experience, love + sex = mindblowing orgasms. Plus, on a purely practical note, it stands to reason that someone who loves you will want you to come and work hard to get you there! Someone who isn’t that invested can short-change you in a quest to get their own rocks off first.

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  3. Is this different for men? Not sure. Of course orgasm is not a problem for us, but I think the depth of it. Mmnm? Does the word orgasm apply to men.

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  4. I always have a deep sense of priviledge, when my wife and I make love as she is sharing her body with me. Yes, men do have orgasims, but not as deeply as women.
    If I don’t get it right for my wife, I am dissapointed, as I do not want self-gratification but her full pleasure.

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  5. I am a man who feels very uneasy about how some women (and men) can distance themselves so totally from the emotional side of sex…and it definitely seems to be the norm these days, the ‘in thing’.
    This piece really struck a chord in me, and gives me hope…

    The women writing on this blog are very brave, and hopefully it’ll lead to greater empathy (from men too), for all of the issues discussed on here….

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  6. Ive had sex with around 30 men, I was a relatively late starter when it came to casual sex but most of the 30 or so men I have now slept with were casual and I faked orgasm with every one of them, even my 1 year, 4 year and 2 year relationships. Im now in a relationship with a man called Ben and I started off faking it with him too (even though every time I get serious with someone I tell myself im not going to – i still do…I think I feel like im going to bore them/take too long/appear selfish) However for the first time ever, last night I just let go of all that rubbish in my head that was telling me that, and I allowed him to give me an orgasm, and im so glad that I did.
    Ive never trusted, cared or loved anyone the way I love my current boyfriend, and I think the amount of trust that I have for him is what allowed me to ‘be selfish’.
    Afterwards, I just looked at him for ages while he slept and I wanted to tell him that the orgasm I just had was real and how amazing it felt, but I didnt, I didnt want to harm his feelings by telling him that every other time hadnt been real. Im never going back to that mind set of feeling selfish and Im never going to fake it again. He is absolutely amazing, sex was increadable…always was, but this was just indescribable. If I didnt love him I really dont think I would have had this experience, and I dont want it from anyone else but him. Im going to keep him I think :]

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