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Last Saturday, old family friends of mine were married. It was such a lovely wedding and you could feel the love emanating from both the bride and the groom. I on the other hand was pretty much miserable.

This wasn’t my first wedding. It was however the first wedding I had attended without a boyfriend. This fact was further emphasised by the fact that when I got to the table I had been assigned to, not only was I at a table of happy couples, but there wasn’t even a seat placed next to me. So the void I felt personally of not having someone love me or someone to share the wedding was further amplified by the physical emptiness of the space next to me.

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As much as my sister tried to comfort me by saying that she was there for me, nothing really helped. I was and am alone and I want someone to love me. During the groom’s speech I began crying as the way he spoke about his bride was the way in which I hope one day for someone to speak about me. It was at that point that the wedding crashers movie made sense to me as I have never felt so desperate in my life and had a charming guy come up to me then I would have been easy game.

I have never felt so hollow in my life before.

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That wedding made me realise why the relationships that I have had this year have ended. My ex, when he broke up with me, said I was “too intense”. I now agree with him. I have been so desperate for someone to love me that I have been drowning the men in my life by trying to be too perfect, too loving and have just become in their eye’s “needy”.

As much as I want someone to love me, I need to love who I am by myself first. That way I won’t be so desperate for love and hopefully won’t scare men away like the plague.

I do not however suggest attending weddings alone though. It really sucks.

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