Last Saturday, old family friends of mine were married. It was such a lovely wedding and you could feel the love emanating from both the bride and the groom. I on the other hand was pretty much miserable.
This wasn’t my first wedding. It was however the first wedding I had attended without a boyfriend. This fact was further emphasised by the fact that when I got to the table I had been assigned to, not only was I at a table of happy couples, but there wasn’t even a seat placed next to me. So the void I felt personally of not having someone love me or someone to share the wedding was further amplified by the physical emptiness of the space next to me.
As much as my sister tried to comfort me by saying that she was there for me, nothing really helped. I was and am alone and I want someone to love me. During the groom’s speech I began crying as the way he spoke about his bride was the way in which I hope one day for someone to speak about me. It was at that point that the wedding crashers movie made sense to me as I have never felt so desperate in my life and had a charming guy come up to me then I would have been easy game.
I have never felt so hollow in my life before.
That wedding made me realise why the relationships that I have had this year have ended. My ex, when he broke up with me, said I was “too intense”. I now agree with him. I have been so desperate for someone to love me that I have been drowning the men in my life by trying to be too perfect, too loving and have just become in their eye’s “needy”.
As much as I want someone to love me, I need to love who I am by myself first. That way I won’t be so desperate for love and hopefully won’t scare men away like the plague.
I do not however suggest attending weddings alone though. It really sucks.