My First Wedding – Solo

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Last Saturday, old family friends of mine were married. It was such a lovely wedding and you could feel the love emanating from both the bride and the groom. I on the other hand was pretty much miserable.

This wasn’t my first wedding. It was however the first wedding I had attended without a boyfriend. This fact was further emphasised by the fact that when I got to the table I had been assigned to, not only was I at a table of happy couples, but there wasn’t even a seat placed next to me. So the void I felt personally of not having someone love me or someone to share the wedding was further amplified by the physical emptiness of the space next to me.

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As much as my sister tried to comfort me by saying that she was there for me, nothing really helped. I was and am alone and I want someone to love me. During the groom’s speech I began crying as the way he spoke about his bride was the way in which I hope one day for someone to speak about me. It was at that point that the wedding crashers movie made sense to me as I have never felt so desperate in my life and had a charming guy come up to me then I would have been easy game.

I have never felt so hollow in my life before.

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That wedding made me realise why the relationships that I have had this year have ended. My ex, when he broke up with me, said I was “too intense”. I now agree with him. I have been so desperate for someone to love me that I have been drowning the men in my life by trying to be too perfect, too loving and have just become in their eye’s “needy”.

As much as I want someone to love me, I need to love who I am by myself first. That way I won’t be so desperate for love and hopefully won’t scare men away like the plague.

I do not however suggest attending weddings alone though. It really sucks.

3 thoughts on “My First Wedding – Solo

  1. I totally understand. But being married isn’t all that. I mean, it’s great. But it’s also it’s own thing. This is not something you realise until you are married.
    Married people want to make marriage the most amazing thing on the planet.
    It’s not. It’s just one of the ways of being on the planet.

    On misery and being lonely. I totally believe in going out there to find boyfriends.
    Ok, this is not so-called feminist. But screw it. Getting love and sex is effort.
    Effort = flirting, dressing up sometimes, prettifying oneself in whatever way that works for you, going out where other potentially single people are, telling your girlfriends they need to set you up.

    I personally think if you want to be loved, then you deserve to get yourself someone who will.

    That whole Meg Ryan ‘I bumped into him while walking my dog’ crap don’t fly in reality.

    I personally enjoyed that whole thing of being available and making men know that I was. You catch 99% scum, and then land that gem every once in a while.

    So don’t believe you won’t find love.

    And also, when you’re married, you’re no longer available 😦 so at least enjoy and maximise being available!

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  2. I think you hit the nail on the head when you wrote “I need to love who I am by myself first.”

    This is not easy and I find I second guess myself at many a juncture – take last saturday, a very fun, very nice guy was flirting with me and I just kept thinking “why me?” “there’s prettier, thinner girls at this club” “I wonder if he’s playing hunt the grunt” which was stupid, because actually I had a very enjoyable time just dancing and flirting with a boy I didn’t know. It was exciting and playing the guessing game as to why I wouldn’t be good enough was stupidquite ridiculous really. But I still did it.

    I remain single because I do not yet love myself enough to trust anyone enough to let them in and I see this in my actions and my thoughts – I’m very guarded and clearly (if the above example is anything to go by) put myself down too often.

    I must just add that if your intensity and neediness is a part of who you are then you shouldn’t look to change that. I once ‘dated’ a boy who was lovely, but was in my eyes ‘too needy’. (To be fair, I liked him, just not enough). He and I are still friends (probably because I pretend I never dated him and he is still needy – but he has has not compromised on that neediness and he has found a girl who appears to be quite happy with him.) Obviously if it’s something that you have only noticed within your quest to find love after a break-up then that might be another story altogether and you are right to re-evaluate what you want from both yourself and a potential partner one day.

    There will be a man out there for you who will love you for you one day – in the meantime, focus on yourself and enjoy singledom (I agree it does suck when most of your friends are in committed relationships and people seem to be getting engaged and or married at every turn!) I just hope that you (and I) can slowly start loving ourselves again and realise even if we are single we are still terrific. Good luck!

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  3. You are so spot on, you need to love yourself and be happy and secure with who you are before you can love someone else and be happy and secure in your relationship. But once you have that confidence men seem to sense it from a mile away! Have fun on your journey and hopefully the next wedding you go to will be better!

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