The First Time I Struggled With My Weight

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Weight has always been an issue for me. I can’t pinpoint the exact moment I started struggling with my weight, but I do remember the first time it very really became “an issue”. I was maybe 12 or 13 at the time and we had gone overseas and were heading out to dinner with my great-aunt. I didn’t remember much about her – I had last seen her when I was a slight 5 year old and she took me frolicking in the sea while my mum, heavily pregnant at the time watched on. I don’t remember what I ate that night, or where we went, but I do remember putting on a tartan skirt, “dolling” up for want of a better word and altogether making quite an effort.

I don’t think it was very long into dinner when my great-aunt put down her fork, looked me up and down and said “what happened to the thin pretty little girl I once met?” I have never forgotten it. I was mortified. I was also hurt, but most of all, I was angry. Angry that someone could be so cruel to someone so young; angry that no one else stood up for me (thanks mum and dad! I won’t lie, there probably still lies resentment there); and angry that I didn’t stand up for myself.

I have not hated many people in my life, but I hated her. When she died, I think I made a passing comment along the lines of “so what?” or “good riddance.” It certainly does bother me that while typing this I get angry all over again, and yet it was 15 years ago now. A part of me would love to blame her for all my “weight” issues over the years, yet, it’s not her, she just made it “real”.

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I don’t know why my weight yo-yo’s (and this is quite a yo-yo – between 15 kgs) but I do know it has a lot to do with ‘comfort’ eating and my ‘happiness’ levels. Even when I was at my “thinnest” I thought I was heavily overweight – and yet now, at my “fattest” I was in denial that it was that much of a problem until I saw a photo.  Certainly some pretty warped conceptions I have of myself.

This then brings me to dieting…I am always on a diet. I am on one right now. A friend of mine even said once “but isn’t that a problem in itself – as clearly something is not working.” And she is right. Being on a diet permanently is not optimal – but if I don’t watch myself then my weight does spiral out of control. I try listen to the hints and do exercise at least 3x a week but at the end of the day it comes down to how badly I want to lose the weight and my mindset and my ’happiness’ levels; and it’s not easy. I try to think of the progress I make when losing weight in terms of margarine tubs – I might not think losing 500g is a lot, but if I put it into context –that margarine tub is the amount of fat I am losing at a time and it makes it seem easier somehow.

You can only lose weight for yourself (which I do still battle with on occasion – especially when I just want the excess to all be gone and quickly!) thus it’s important to try to rally round your friends and family in this quest. Thus far I have lost 3kg’s since mid July and it’s tough to keep going, but I am running with a friend 3x a week, watching what I eat and generally feeling better about life and me (I finally have job security which was one of my biggest stressers of all). It isn’t easy and I hope somewhere, someday I can wake up and not worry about what I am putting in my mouth, or why I am eating it and just accept.

I don’t know if this will ever happen, but I am working on it.

3 thoughts on “The First Time I Struggled With My Weight

  1. Good luck – weight is an inner demon that I think most girls struggle with in some way or another, some more than others. And you’re right – you can only do it for yourself, so I hope that one day soon you are able to achieve this for youself!

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  2. I know where you are coming from. When I was about 9 or 10 an adult person said to me “when are you going to finally give birth because you’ve been pregnant for so long?” People can be insensitive sometimes, I was really hurt. That was back when I cared what people thought. I don’t anymore. It took me a while to realise that it was about me, I have to take care of me. Yes there are still times when things will get to me but I am confident, happy and love myself no matter what. I’m glad you are doing something about making yourself feel better.

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  3. thanks for sharing your post. i think that insecurity issues, whether it be with weight, the way something looks on your face, how something fits, how you talk or how you walk, as females, we always happen to be our worst critics towards self.

    no one is perfect, and as you know the world comes in all different, shapes and sizes. youve made a huge step by doing things to rectify the challenges your having….and reading your post actually help me a little with my inner demons about my own weight. thanks.

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