Weight has always been an issue for me. I can’t pinpoint the exact moment I started struggling with my weight, but I do remember the first time it very really became “an issue”. I was maybe 12 or 13 at the time and we had gone overseas and were heading out to dinner with my great-aunt. I didn’t remember much about her – I had last seen her when I was a slight 5 year old and she took me frolicking in the sea while my mum, heavily pregnant at the time watched on. I don’t remember what I ate that night, or where we went, but I do remember putting on a tartan skirt, “dolling” up for want of a better word and altogether making quite an effort.
I don’t think it was very long into dinner when my great-aunt put down her fork, looked me up and down and said “what happened to the thin pretty little girl I once met?” I have never forgotten it. I was mortified. I was also hurt, but most of all, I was angry. Angry that someone could be so cruel to someone so young; angry that no one else stood up for me (thanks mum and dad! I won’t lie, there probably still lies resentment there); and angry that I didn’t stand up for myself.
I have not hated many people in my life, but I hated her. When she died, I think I made a passing comment along the lines of “so what?” or “good riddance.” It certainly does bother me that while typing this I get angry all over again, and yet it was 15 years ago now. A part of me would love to blame her for all my “weight” issues over the years, yet, it’s not her, she just made it “real”.
I don’t know why my weight yo-yo’s (and this is quite a yo-yo – between 15 kgs) but I do know it has a lot to do with ‘comfort’ eating and my ‘happiness’ levels. Even when I was at my “thinnest” I thought I was heavily overweight – and yet now, at my “fattest” I was in denial that it was that much of a problem until I saw a photo. Certainly some pretty warped conceptions I have of myself.
This then brings me to dieting…I am always on a diet. I am on one right now. A friend of mine even said once “but isn’t that a problem in itself – as clearly something is not working.” And she is right. Being on a diet permanently is not optimal – but if I don’t watch myself then my weight does spiral out of control. I try listen to the hints and do exercise at least 3x a week but at the end of the day it comes down to how badly I want to lose the weight and my mindset and my ’happiness’ levels; and it’s not easy. I try to think of the progress I make when losing weight in terms of margarine tubs – I might not think losing 500g is a lot, but if I put it into context –that margarine tub is the amount of fat I am losing at a time and it makes it seem easier somehow.
You can only lose weight for yourself (which I do still battle with on occasion – especially when I just want the excess to all be gone and quickly!) thus it’s important to try to rally round your friends and family in this quest. Thus far I have lost 3kg’s since mid July and it’s tough to keep going, but I am running with a friend 3x a week, watching what I eat and generally feeling better about life and me (I finally have job security which was one of my biggest stressers of all). It isn’t easy and I hope somewhere, someday I can wake up and not worry about what I am putting in my mouth, or why I am eating it and just accept.
I don’t know if this will ever happen, but I am working on it.