My body is soft in all the wrong places.
I hate looking at my body. I can’t help but feel repulsed by it. Why can’t it play the game and look gorgeous? Why can’t it be strong and supple?
I am told that when you accept your body and believe that it is gorgeous then that positive body image is projected into the world and people start seeing you in a different light. A more receptive beautiful light. A slender, toned, sculpted, flab and wobble free light. I don’t buy it.
All I see is soft dimpled skin and a nose that looks like a button and freckles that seem to multiply when one just glances at them. Skin that is afraid of the sun and insides that are afraid of sugar – but crave it.
I want so badly to love my body, but it just seems to betray me at every turn. It cant eat yeast, it wont accept sunflower oil, it breaks out in burning pain at the mere thought of sugar and wine makes me aggresive and then a trip to the hospital is a possiblity. How can one be partial to a body that seems to make enjoying life so tricky?
But when I move I feel like one person. No longer fighting my body, but simply loving the way it glides in the room. Dancing is the one thing that saves me. It injects life into me and makes me love myself, all of me. My skin can be burning away because I caved in and bought that green tea ice-cream when my friend wanted one after dinner or my joints could be screaming with pain because I indulged in too much pasta – but when I start to dance the world melts away and everything feels right.
The moments when I come together are so precious to me. They make me realise that clinging to a dream is worth every sacrifice. Because if I let go of my dream then I cannot see me ever loving myself. And that is not a future that I relish.
I don’t think that your perception of yourself can change by simply shifting the way you think about yourself. It takes more than a mind shift, it takes dreams and hopes and the possiblity of realising goals. I love myself when I am doing what I love, there is a direct relation between action and knowing and feeling. I cannot convince myself that I am wonderful if I just sit back and let my dreams fade away.
Why can’t I see that it is a great body? I think it’s because I let someone tell me that my dream was no longer an option. I let go of my dream and the road to loving myself became dust. I started honestly taking hold of my dreams again despite what people had said and now I am ready to stop hating my body and believing that it failed me. It had only lost its dream.