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I have always envied beautiful people – how effortlessly and gracefully they move through life. How easy it seems for them, how difficult it is for me. I generally then console myself with “but I have a personality.” Ridiculous really. To be fair, most of these ‘beautiful people’ that I know have personalities too, and they are great, and I am sure that the ones that I don’t know are just as nice. Then my envy just multiplies.

Why is it I can’t be happy with my flabby arms and thick-set legs; my rounded stomach and frizzy hair. Why can’t I look effortless like people I know who do the same amount of ‘prep’ work on themselves that I do?

As I type this I see how silly and trivial this is. I am smart, I am successful, I am fun, and most of all I am me. But I still have these insecurities about myself, about my looks. My worst feeling is when I dress up “to the nines”, feel great and sexy and then I walk into a room and feel like the ugly duckling all over again. Who even knows why: perhaps it is a look/ a comment/ disinterest.

Makeup generally masks these insecurities for me (even if it’s just between the time I leave the house and enter this room full of beautiful people.) I love it. I feel secure and happy and attractive when I put makeup on.

Again, ridiculous isn’t it? Especially as my feminist tendencies are screaming at me to stop with this nonsense.

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I know I look different and perhaps that mask aids me in pushing through boundaries that I feel otherwise might escape me. I get to flirt with the hot guy who if he does not flirt back I immediately think it’s because of my looks, or my weight, or both. Even with the not so hot guy, the same insecurities abound if his attention on me is lacking. In my head it all boils down to my face, and my body, because lets be honest, no one is trying to ‘see my personality’ before judging me on how I look.

I am not an unattractive person but I feel unattractive. Alot. Makeup lets me live in my dream world where my fantasies come true. I put it on and my lips are a little bit sparklier, my eyes a little more prominent and my face flushed with a healthy glow and then WHAM the feeling of being attractive envelopes me again.

Pretty sad I know, but it helps me through.

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