For many years I was in a relationship with a man who I loved dearly. The only problem, he did not love me the same way. He was the kind of man who had his cake (me) and liked to sample all the other cakes in the bakery. To me I was his trophy girlfriend and as I result, I was betrayed more times than I would like to admit. I never understood why how or why anyone could do that to another, especially someone they knew loved them with all of their heart and soul. Today I continue to imagine why he must have done such a thing when I gave him all of me and more than I should’ve ever given anyone. I gave away parts of me to a man who never deserved them or me.
Throughout this time my mother was incredibly supportive and gave me numerous reasons as to why I should never stoop to his level and why I should never do to anyone what he had done to me. Today however, my view of mother has changed.
My mother has been in love with a man that is married for a very long time. I however, never thought that she would ever be the other woman. The woman that I had learned to hate throughout my betrayals. The woman that I never understood as I could not fathom ever being, as in my mind it is inconceivable to be the woman who would cause another so much pain by helping her partner betray her. Today I learnt that my mother is that woman.
As much as I idolise my mother as a figure of strength as our lives together have not been easy. Especially seeing as she has felt what I have felt. BETRAYAL. She was in a relationship with a man who too liked to have his cake and sample all the others whilst they were together. I saw how this broke her and her spirit and how she yearned to make him love her as she did him. However, she has become the other woman to this married man and today, I do not respect her. I did not realise this until today as for the first time I saw them kissing. She does not know that I have seen it and I will never tell her as I know she knows that it is wrong.
But today, I am confused. How could a woman who has been through the same pain as I have and who knows exactly how it feels to be on the receiving end of such deceipt and heart break do that to another woman. I do not care that she loves him and that he loves her (I have witnessed how much they love each other by the way that they interact). What she is doing is in my mind utterly and completely wrong.
My heart breaks today in two ways. Firstly for her as she loves a man who will never leave his wife. Secondly in that she has become the woman that I have hated for so long and will no doubt continue to hate.
I have no idea how to comprehend what she has done and if I will ever forgive her for it.
As much as I love her, my heart is broken.
I have cheated and I have been cheated on. At one point I believed that I was the other woman. I don’t condone my actions but I have sought understanding and have tried to forgive myself. I think that, for you and your mother’s sake, you should try to set aside your own pain and try to understand why she is doing what she is doing (you don’t have to agree with it – I am glad you don’t agree with cheating). I would suggest speaking to her – as difficult as it may be. I just think about how important it is to have a good relationship with your mother. Don’t let these issues become too big to handle; don’t let them be the thing that wrecks your relationship. Good luck.
LikeLike
I’m sorry that your mother has disappointed you in this way. I understand that you are hurting. I felt the same way when I found out the same thing about my mother. I was younger then. Now I realise that my mother is a human being too, someone who makes mistakes, and when it comes to matters of the heart, we make them so many times. You may never understand why she did it but at the end of the day she is still the same woman who raised you and loves you and is probably disappointed in herself more than you are.
LikeLike
I hope that you will be able to find it in your heart to forgive your mother sooner then later, and hopefully you already have. There are different kinds of affairs and from the sound of it your mother is dealing with a completely different set of circumstances then you went through with your husband. In your case it sounds as thought while your husband cared for you he still liked to fool around with other girls who had no hold on his heart. Your mother is not just sleeping with a married man, but they are in love. That makes a difference. So if you put aside the moral implications of being the other woman you may just find that your mother is in her way sharing the same struggle that you’ve been through. She gives him everything, but she will only ever be able to have half of him. Its just the other side of the same story. Don’t hold it against her, because you know her pain. Don’t keep it hidden from her either that you know because in her position she is so isolated. She needs you so much right now. She needs support and she needs love of the right sorts. Hating “the other woman” is never the answer as it will only prevent you from fully healing, and right now it is preventing you from standing up for someone who does deserve your love. Remember the role these married men play, and accept that for these men it doesn’t matter who the other woman is, but it is inevitable that there will be one in their lives. They are not secure enough with themselves to be content with just one heart, and are constantly going to take more then they deserve from the woman they care about. Their behavior destroys the women on either end of the equation, and we owe it two ourselves as woman to stand together against this kind of abuse.
I urge you to take a step back and reconsider your situation. Both you and your mother deserve so much more then what either of those men can offer. Love will blind us from seeing that, and by loving them we are failing to love ourselves. You already know that its a long struggle to finding the strength to love ourselves enough to break free from that man who is our entire world. Your mother needs your love now as you needed hers then. Help her to see she is worth more then that, and the two of you will heal together.
You are both worth everything the world has to offer. Have strength.
LikeLike
I realise this blog was posted two years ago but I have never come across someone who is in the same position as I am! My mum has been seeing a married man for 15 years now (I found out 5 years ago and then found out he was married 1 year ago). He is a huge part of my life, however, his daughter is the same age as me (but was at a different school) and I have recently had to work with his Son. Obviously they don’t know and it honestly is a feeling that is beyond anything else. I can’t believe my mum is the other woman and I can’t believe the lies she has told me and my family and the lies she now makes (I feel obliged) to tell my family on her behalf.
I hope your situation has improved 🙂 xx
LikeLike