I bleed every month. For 13 years I have been bleeding and mostly it’s just annoying, but there was one time it was a really loud siren to take my life seriously.

I had made a mistake and slept with a guy. A guy that I didn’t really know, let alone have a connection that was anything more than physical. We had used protection and I assumed that was it. Assumption is the mother of all mess ups (and I would use a stronger more sailor like term if I were allowed to).

Image from http://www.imgfave.com

My period is like clockwork. It is always there without fail. It was 7 days late after that encounter and I was in panic mode. I was 23, how on earth was I going to be a mother? I was in the middle of my postgraduate studies, would I have to give up on all of that. All my plans for the future? What was going to happen to them? I was basically still a child myself…I could barely be responsible enough not to drink my life into a stupor every week end, how was I going to be a parent? How was I going to support a child? I was in debt, student loans up to my ears and years of repayments ahead of me.

None of that had crossed my mind before I decided to have a good time (which was more average to poor than good really, which only made matters worse). The possibility of being a mother had been so far from my thoughts, I didn’t even like children. I was a wreck.

Image from http://www.weheartit.com

Having an abortion is something I don’t think I could handle. I have issues killing bugs, having the ability to kill something upsets me. Imagine having to kill a life that is growing inside of you? I don’t think I could do it. Which is not to say that I think abortions are wrong. I believe in the right to choose and I know that for some women it is the only option. This opinion of mine is subject to change in the future I am sure, I cannot foretell what will happen in my life and if someday I have an abortion then I will deal with that then. But for now it’s not for me.

So the other option is having the baby. A daunting prospect. A ridiculously scary prospect.

Well it was 7 days of feeling drained and mentally exhausted. I ran through every scenario in my head. How was I going to tell my mother? I couldn’t bear the imagined look of disappointment on her face. How was I going to tell the father?!! OH my goodness (once again insert strongest word of choice). How was he going to react? His reaction would let me know exactly what type of guy he was…and that thought made me cringe. I was potentially going to have a child with a man whose reactions to situations was as foreign to me as Russian winters. I was sad that this was possibly my life. I felt like I had cheated myself.

My period arrived and I was let off the baby hook. I celebrated and rejoiced in my freedom. But I was different, I swore to myself that I would not let that happen to me again. I never want to go through that agony again. I want to live my life and have fun, but I don’t want to jeopardise my future and all the dreams I have. I want to be a mother, but only when I can give my child the love and support my family gave me…which will happen one day, just not today.

Image from http://www.weheartit.com
Advertisements