In high school I fell in love with a guy four years older than me. My parents allowed it, but they were always worried that he would pressure me into having sex when I wasn’t ready and that I would fall pregnant. I remember once my mom calling me to her room and giving me the speech about being careful, that she didn’t want me to ruin my life while I was still so young. When I told her she didn’t have anything to worry about, she didn’t believe me. I think she may have started to when I flatly told her that unless I can fall pregnant by wind pollination, it wasn’t going to happen.
You see, my boyfriend was Catholic and wasn’t sure yet if he believed in sex before marriage. He had huge internal struggles with his own beliefs. I on the other hand, while having no religious convictions about it, just didn’t feel ready yet. After finishing school I went away to University and we carried on our relationship long distance, all the while remaining virgins. We went out for 3 years, a year and a half of which was long distance, and we broke up virgins.
Half way through my second year of University I met ‘B’. He was beautiful – tall, ruggedly handsome, and he had one blue eye and one green eye. We had a beautiful two week romance – we always knew it would only ever be that, but I didn’t think he would be my first. But he was. He didn’t pressure me into it, he knew I was a virgin and he was happy for it to stay that way. Our first time, my first time, was all my idea. He was gentle, we were comfortable together and while it wasn’t earth-shattering, it was perfect for my first time. I didn’t feel scared; I didn’t feel like I was doing something wrong – it felt like it was my time.
After our first time, there were many times after that during our short romance. We couldn’t get enough of each other and he left to go back home with the promise to keep in touch so that we could see each other whenever he came back into town. I had his cellphone number and he had my email address. While I didn’t expect anything more to happen between us, I was naive enough to think he would keep in touch. He was special to me, and I thought I had been special to him. For two weeks I didn’t hear from him. When I did eventually hear from him, he told me we couldn’t stay in touch. It would ruin everything for him. ‘Everything?’ I asked.
Yes – everything. He had a girlfriend back home that he had ‘forgotten’ to mention to me. He told me he was unhappy with her but that he couldn’t leave her. ‘Why?’ I asked. Because then he would lose his son. Yes, his son – who he had also ‘forgotten’ to tell me about. I had used his wallet while we were together, and he didn’t have one baby picture on him. Did he just not carry any or did he take them out before letting me use it? All of this news came as such a shock to me. My beautiful memories of my holiday romance, my first time, his one green eye and one blue eye – all of it seemed tainted. I don’t really know what I expected from him, but it certainly wasn’t that. I guess that’s what you get when you try to stretch out a holiday romance.
I’m sounding like a bitter hag, and I was for a long time. I felt used, and that he had knowingly taken my virginity from me and then betrayed me. But, while I still think he is a pig – more for what he did to his family than to me – I have tried to remember just those special memories and not what happened after.
You only get one ‘first time’ and he can only ruin my memories of that if I let him. I only want to remember how he romanced me, how he made me feel beautiful and special, and how he gave me a first time that had been worth waiting for.