The first time I took a pregnancy test I was, for lack of a more eloquent word, shitting myself. I was 20 and had been in a relationship for less than a year. I was a student and my parents were strong Christians who believed that sex outside of marriage was a sin. In other words, if that pregnancy test had popped up with a little plus sign or a goddamn smiley face I would have been in a really difficult position. Thankfully, it was negative.

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The second time I took a pregnancy test was earlier this year. I had just come back from a glorious honeymoon in Egypt, my period was late and my tummy was playing up. I never feel sick usually so this was a big red flag for me.  I waited and waited for my period to come, but no show. I took a pregnancy test. This time was so different to the first time I peed on a stick. This time, although I was on contraception and hadn’t planned to get pregnant, I was half-hoping that those two lines would show up. Again, it wouldn’t be ideal – we are newly married, aren’t financially stable yet and can barely look after ourselves and our little flat, never mind another human being. But yet….

It was negative. I felt relief. I felt…..sadness.

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Truth is, I want to be pregnant. I want to feel my breasts swell. I want to feel the stirring of new life deep within me. I want the ultrasounds and late night cravings. Ok, so I don’t really want the nausea, the hemorrhoids or the earth-shattering (pelvis shattering?) pain of childbirth. But I want the child, the babe at the end of it all.

But then again, I also want to be able to drop everything and go away for a surprise weekend with my husband. I want to be able to go out and get crazy tipsy with my friends. I want to sleep through the night and lie in on weekends til noon if I want to. I want to have the odd naughty cigarette when  I’m stressed or on a night out. I want my body to remain within my control and my lady bits to stay the way they are! I want my marriage to remain about us as a couple, and not just us as parents.

So, I’m torn. Half of me is obsessed with having a baby, and as each birthday ticks by the more and more appealing it becomes….which I’m sure can partially be blamed on hormones and my biological clock a-ticking. The other half of me, however, really does not want to become a mama – at least not just yet. This half is worried about all the practical and financial implications, never mind what being pregnant would do to my body, my social life and my relationship.

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For now, I am still relying on the marvels of modern contraceptives and enjoying living a selfish child-less life. But, if that second pregnancy test had turned out to be positive, it wouldn’t have been such a disaster after all….

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