At 22 I like to think of myself as a strong confident woman. I have never been a person who needs someone to make me happy, I’m happy! I have great friends and awesome mom, I have a permanent job.
So what changed me that I’m so desperately holding on for dear life?!
I should have read the signs, when I met him…. Never one to shy away from guys or be intimidated, he really got to me. I couldn’t talk or think or be normal! It was quite sweet, how this boy had arrived and had literally swept me off my feet without even knowing! I found out after we started dating he had NO idea! sigh of relief that I hadn’t been obvious. Maybe if he had known me better he would have noticed like my friends had.
Our relationship started and was a whirlwind, very intense and fast and it felt like I’d only just begun to get to know him when he left for England…It was only for 4 months, but I missed him terribly and look back at the time and realised most of it i spent on my phone, smsing ALL day EVERYDAY! Any second we could keep in contact. And then one morning at 4am I got the call, from my beautiful drunk boyfriend, some girl had tried to kiss him.
Now I know the deal… when someone tries to kiss you, a random person doesn’t walk up to you and plant a fat one on your lips! At some point you as the kissed, give some form of yes please kiss me to the kisser. Well in my mind you do. Anyway, after a tearful couple of days and drunken nights out, I decided I’d forgive him! in my mind, we’re young, the girl was OBVIOUSLY a whore, he was just SO gorgeous and I LOVE HIM. These were but a few reasons.
We got back and I was SO HAPPY! finally after 4 HARD, LONG months. Things were amazing! The fights increased but I was still SO mad about him!!!! Then came the shock, another one.. another girl. This one really irritated me. I had been at that party! I’d left early, promises of him behaving and not drinking too much and I can’t wait to see you. I left feeling happy and secure, knowing he was mine and I had nothing to worry about.
A couple of months after there were whispers, after asking him and he SWEARING that nothing had happened, I trusted him and believed him! Then it came out, and I didn’t shout or scream, I called and asked “did you kiss her?” No answer, “I’m asking you one more time, did you kiss her?”. Yes.
So hurtful! Amazing how one small word can absolutely destroy your whole world and you can’t think or breathe. It’s like a flash back of your relationship, things you’ve done, things you’ve said, things you should have done, questions you should have answered differently.
I told myself I was done, don’t need him, deserve better-because I do! I do deserve better! BUT like the absolute idiot, I took him back, I couldn’t say no. Didnt have the guts to stand up for myself and my heart and tell him that I deserve better!
And surprise surprise, here I sit, in this familiar place, the place where I feel like I’m not good enough because just like before someone else was better, more appealing. This time it was a girl he works with, a girl he has originally told me was hideous, looked like a guy. But she was better than me, obviously! After everything and there’s been a lot, of nastiness and harshness, and me being in tears for months. I thought I was finally in the clear, finally going to move on and find someone worthy of my love and of me.
Because all I had for him was love and absolute adoration (pathetic) the way I see it, if you going to be with someone and love them, you do it with your all, with every fibre in your being! So after all of it, he’s back and wants me and has promised to change and will fix it and my heart believes him!! My brain is telling me absolutely NOT, don’t even go back.
This is the point I realised I’m pathetic. He doesn’t deserve me, I can do better, he’s lying.. I sit and repeat these, among others things, to myself daily! Over and over and over again, I’ve been told by every friend/relative/stranger I’ve been in contact with in the last 3months and yet I can’t let go of him, can’t say no, can’t pull myself towards myself. I’ve turned into a pathetic needy, whiney girl! The girl I’ve never wanted to be is now the girl I am! And its pathetic!!!!!