The First Time I wrote a letter to my father (…and did not send it)

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Mr. H

You will notice I’m not saying Dear Father/Dad because firstly you are not dear to me and secondly you do not warrant to be called my father. Being a father entails action and you certainly have not delivered in that respect. I have spent years thinking that I don’t really care that you were not in my life. Realistically I can see my life was better without you, I’ve never wanted for anything and I know my mother would not be where she is today had she stayed with you. And yet the emotional child in me wants to know why? Why couldn’t you feel differently? Why couldn’t you have called me once in a while? Why couldn’t you visit me? And mostly why couldn’t you love me? I realize you probably had your own reasons but try telling that to my heart that’s hurting and just wants to know why?

I hate the way I feel because I would rather I didn’t care at all. It would make it easier. Everything happens for a reason and I know God made sure you were not in my life for a reason, and as much as I know that I’m still angry that you weren’t there.

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I want to be able to watch a movie or read a book about an absent father and not resent that person. I didn’t want to admit it but it all comes down to how I feel about you. I just want to be able to let the anger go so you don’t control any part of me anymore. I don’t want to see you or talk to you, I just want to let you go so you don’t affect me at all.

I don’t understand how you could meet me on the street and greet me like you would anybody else. I remember sending you a father’s day card when I was younger. Couldn’t you see that I was reaching out? You may have your reasons for your actions or lack thereof but I just don’t get it. I don’t understand how a parent cannot love their child. There are times when I wish I had your number so I could call you and just vent out my anger and later I realize that I don’t even want you to know that you affect me so much I’d even care to call. I just want to not care anymore!

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