Growing up I thought I lived in a normal household, with a normal family. My parents had their respective ‘favorite’ child/ren and the rest that they were not too fond of. Only as I grew older and could understand what was going on in my normal family did I realise my parents were in an unhappy marriage for over 30 years. Being the youngest child, I was the one to blame for them ‘having to stay together’. I’m not assuming this, I was told this many times by both my parents throughout my childhood and teenage years.
I knew I was not a favorite to either of them, since I was told that I am impossible to love, that I was an accident.
Only now, as an adult do I understand how my parents’ attitude to me influenced me emotionally and spiritually.
I spent most of my life pretty messed up really, looking for love in all the wrong places and becoming depressed when I find it was not what I thought it was. Finding such comfort in self-destructive behaviour and then, doing it all over again. Over and over and over.
Only at age 30, after so long of needing to be loved so desperately, after being beaten and broken down, did I find that I had grown up in a way.
That I did not need another cheater or abusive man in my life, I really didn’t even need my parents’ love anymore. I was ok. I was ok, on my own.
There was nothing wrong with me. The very first time I felt truly loved, it was by me. And as the corny line goes, no one else will love you if you don’t love yourself, a few months later I found someone who makes me feel, for the second time in my life, that I am truly loved.