The first time I truly realised I was OK.

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I dated this boy – I would like to say man, but I think ‘boy’ is more apt. Sweet, friendly, cared about me, loved me. Boy oh boy did he love me. But that wasn’t enough for me. We were too different, we lived miles apart and I don’t think I ever quite loved him as much as he loved me. Or so I thought. So imagine my shock when I, still processing our break-up, realised that not only has he moved on, but that in this new relationship he was in love. I was gutted, pure and simple. This boy had mentioned promise rings, marriage, love, happiness, everything to me and a month after we finally 100% called it quits, not only was he in a new relationship, but he was in love. Wow it hurt. I think what hurt the most is that I didn’t really expect it. Granted I should’ve – I had broken up with him and I couldn’t very well expect him to sit around and wait for me, fight for me, even move cities for me. I think though, at the back of my mind I had always hoped that he would do these things. However, he didn’t, and that is that.

Even though he was in this new relationship, he felt he and I could still be friends and we would always talk and nothing would change – except our feelings. We had been best friends and it was sad to throw that away. I pretty much told him to ‘jog on.’ He told me he still had faith. I then relented somewhat and told him I needed some time.

I took my time and then, about 3 months ago I sms’d him ‘just to say hi’. No response. I sent another one a couple weeks later. Still no response. Then I sent him an email. The long and the short of the email was that I was willing to try to stay in contact but that as we had both moved on and weren’t in contact if he didn’t want to chat to me ever again, that was ok too. Again, no response.

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Imagine my surprise one morning waking up to an email from my friend saying “OMG, how are you feeling that X is ENGAGED!??” Well the first thing that sprung to mind was merely REALLY!?. I expected hurt, anger, pain, to name but a few, but really, all it was, was shock. I didn’t get a lump in my throat, I didn’t want to cry, I didn’t want to shout or scream, or have a tantrum. I was just shocked. Shocked because he has only really been seeing this girl just over a year. Shocked because he didn’t tell me. Shocked because I get the impression he just wants to be married. But hey, each unto their own. The only part of me that hurts is the part that realises that he doesn’t respect me enough to give me a heads up after having been fully aware that I was trying to make contact again. However, even though this hurts it also makes me realise that if I never talk to him again, so be it and actually, if I’m honest with myself, I’m ok with that. Truly ok… and not in the sense “I hate his guts” or that “he must rot in hell.” Ok in the sense that I hope he has found what he was looking for and that our relationship isn’t weighing on me any longer. I finally think that I have truly let him go…and you know what? That makes me smile because it shows me that I am strong and that I can endure and that I’m finally no longer questioning the “what if’s.”


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