The First Time I Fell in Love with a Girl

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It was like a shooting star, bright but it faded as quickly as it came or rather as no one came.  This all happened so fast, I was still digesting the idea of us before it was all over.

To be honest I have always been attracted to both men and women, a bit of a bi-curious streak.  I think I just never wanted to admit my attractions to women to myself.  It was like everywhere I looked society, people, family and friends kept explaining how wrong it was in there eyes.

I worked as a as manager at a restaurant.  She started working as a waiter, fresh from the UK, with all her UK ways, living her life as fully as she can as a “full blown” lesbian.  I instantly found her attractive but as usual I dealt with like I always do, ignored it.  I think I came across as an uber bitch that didn’t care much.  Eventually she became a manager which meant we had to interact more.  I tried to keep it as professional as possible but it seemed impossible.  Before I knew it, she was joining us, my friends, at home for dinner, movies, coffee, drinks, anything we did.  The friendliness didn’t go far, for now.  She still had a girlfriend in the UK who called her at least twice a day.

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Things started to get more intense, especially at work.  It was as if my attraction consumed my every thought.  It got to the point where I could barely be in her presence without dropping something or walking into something or uttering incoherent ramblings.  I felt like a complete idiot.  It felt like the more I became idiot like the more she pursued the matter.  It didn’t really matter that she had a girlfriend of like 2 years back in the UK.  She already travelled down under with a few doe eyed girls here in the land of opportunity, South Africa.  My mind kept screaming at me:  “step away from the girl, I repeat step away from the girl” while red alarm bells were blaring in the background.  But like a moth to a flame, I couldn’t resist.

And she caught on to it.  She started to intently pursue the matter, always saying and asking suggestive thing.  It got to a point where she walked/followed me home (the whole 5km-talk about being persuasive/pushy).  And of course the whole conversation back home was about what ifs.  I was very confused, nervous and scared.  She was leaving for the UK anyways so why take on something that would change my life.

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The following day after the walk/talk/reason home, she somehow invited herself over for dinner.  It wasn’t really a problem except that there was enough energy between us to blow the roof of the house.  So it became later and later.  Eventually my roommate suggested that she sleeps over.   AARRGGHH!!!!!   All I wanted to do was to try to ignore the energy or somehow diffusing it but now it was literally closer to home than I can deal with.  I retreated to my room while she stayed behind on the sleeper couch.  My heart was racing, a million and one things ran no sprinted through my mind.  I laid in my bed unable to think straight, unable to sleep.  I was at a cross road, in the next room was someone that I was so attracted to, that it scared me.  I never felt like that about anyone and to top it I was engulfed by confusion.

So I chose one of the crossroads, I couldn’t take the tension/energy anymore so I smsed her to come to my room.  The moment of truth.  We just sat on the bed for a few minutes, which felt like a mini eternity, and then started kissing.  One thing led to another and before I knew it I lost my virginity for the second time, this time to a beautiful girl.  There were no real firework moments and I think the best was afterwards, just lying there cuddling and just being in the moment together-CHEESY I know.  We stayed awake most of the night talking, just being and a bit of exploring.

The next few days we just smsed each other.  I was very nervous to tell my roommate who also happens to be my best friend.  I kept thinking what if our friendship changes, what if she felt that she couldn’t even be friends with me anymore.   I have a special talent to always imagine the worst extremes. To my surprise my friend was perfectly fine with it and even suggested to invite her out.

The sleepovers kept going  on for about a month, she was going back to the UK.  No one at work knew and it just added fuel to the excitement of the experience.  There would be glances, words, looks and subtle touches.  However I kept telling her it was just for fun, an experience.  I was actually trying to convince myself it was just for fun.  People have flings, fuck buddies, one night stands all the time without getting attached, why would this be any different.  But to be honest, each sleepover wasn’t just about the sex, it was also the emotional and intellectual connection we shared, getting to know each other better.  To make matters worse, the dreadful goodbye was upon us, we had one week left.  And I wasn’t falling in love, I was crushing in love.

We, the work crew, held a “going away drinks” out for her.  It felt weird, 4 days left then she will be back in the UK, back with her girlfriend.  After the night out she came over to my house for a sleepover again.  During the day she told me she had to tell me something, I instantly felt uncomfortable about it, suspecting that it must be more than I was willing to deal with.   So when we got home after drinks, I asked her.  She confessed that she slept with one of the other managers, a guy, and it happened at work the previous weekend.  Suddenly the whole fairytale just crushed into a million pieces, the fairytale unrecognizable.  I was upset, I couldn’t believe it.  Her excuse, her dad didn’t want her to be gay so she gave it one final shot with a guy, or so she said.  She told me she loved me and it made me furious.  How can you break someone’s heart like that and then tell them you love them.   It is like deliberately punching someone in the stomach and then saying sorry and expecting that person to accept your apology.  Needless to say the next day at work was horrible, I was shattered.  Couldn’t stomach being at work, with her there.

She left that Monday.  We did talk before she left.  I wanted  to fix the unfixable.  I kept saying it wasn’t her fault that I felt so depressed, that it was my own because I should have never allowed myself to fall in love.   All the alarms and smoke signals were there.  I blame it on the movies, on fairytales.  Making us believe that if you love someone nothing can stand in the way of that.  I even got a crazy idea to go to the airport, running in slow motion saying  NOOOO DOOONT GET ON THAAAAAT PLANE.  Crazy I know.  But thank goodness sanity prevailed in the battle of craziness.

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The months after she left, was very bad.  I felt desolate, disconnected and in disbelief about the whole experience.  I was depressed and couldn’t believe that someone who knew how you felt could make you feel so miserable.   One of my friends once told me, don’t screw the screw.  If only I listened.  I am fine now, survived the FIRST TIME I FELL IN LOVE WITH A GIRL!

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