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I think I think I almost died this one time. It was ten days after I had gotten my driver’s license and was taking my first solo (and licensed) drive to the mall. Simply going to a fashion sale, of what used to be my favourite clothing store, I didn’t know it then but it would be years before I felt that confident and comfortable driving a car.

I got into an accident that day. I didn’t wait for all the cars that had right of way when I was turning. I had been paying attention to what the driver’s in front of me were doing instead of abiding by the rules of the road. I remember seeing the minibus roll over the street and my stopiing on the other end of my turn. I don’t even think I experienced shock that day; unfortunately.

I regret now having not gone back into the driver’s seat for months after that because I have been scared to drive a car every day since  then.  I think its because I think I almost died that day, even though I always just try to be grateful that none of us in that accident did.

So now, as I am, it could be said that I fight being alive. Death frequents my thoughts, mostly out of fear of what it would…

I struggle to fully connect with alive because I fear my (road-accident) death (at my hand) so much.

But I think that its time to let that all go now. I have punished myself long enough for a mistake I made four and a half years ago. I have learnt from my mistake, letting cars with right of way pass at a green light while I patiently wait my turn in the designated spot in the middle of the road. I know better and I know with time and practice I will do better as well. I am letting myself off the hook. I am letting myself off the hook.

One day at a time.

One push at a time.

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One drive at a time.

1567 days later I’ve done my first new-route round trip drive. Albeit not alone, I will get there. One drive at a time.