Sex is a concept that I’ve never really been uncomfortable with. Of course, that does not mean I’ve actually had it. I have a few rules for myself, but it has always been more of a way for me to feel in control of a seemingly nonexistent part of my life. My first real kiss was at 14; my second happened when I was 17. In both of those cases, there was blind groping and I felt out of place. I’m not going to lie and say some of it didn’t feel good, because there are certain spots that set me off no matter what. However, these experiences weren’t about me; they were about a guy trying to score with a girl. It goes without saying that these were incredibly short lived “relationships.”
I’ve always felt that sex should be something intimate and beautiful. It should happen at a time when both parties are ready and they really feel something. All I felt before was lonely, so I ended up in the arms of guys who just didn’t want to be virgins anymore. Fortunately, I am independent enough to have stood my ground and said no as soon as I got uncomfortable, so the farthest either of them got was still on top of my clothes. I never touched them back.
My third kiss, though… that was something else. Just shy of 18, I found myself out with a guy who I had approached and found he liked me back. We flirted shyly for a while until the fact that something was going to happen became apparent to both of us. Out in the park, looking up at the stars, he leaned over and kissed me. Fireworks literally went off right after it happened, as there were some people celebrating something somewhere in the neighborhood. After the kiss came smiles and tingly feelings, but what I didn’t let him see was the fear that this would just be another time when a guy tried to take advantage of my feelings. Instead, we kept talking, cuddled, kissed a little more here and there, and we kept it innocent.
I was absolutely ecstatic to find a guy who was not just using me for my body. Other guys who showed interest in me tended to do so shortly after seeing me in particular outfits or, more frequently, a bikini. I may get A’s in all my classes, but my D’s were what really got the attention of others, and I couldn’t stand it. In this case, though, my new guy genuinely liked me for me. I’m a conversationalist, and the flow never seems to die down between us.
Like any couple of teenagers, we don’t just talk. We’ve done a decent job of keeping things slow. It started out with just massaging one another’s backs while kissing then progressed to kissing around the neck. Eventually, I allowed him to touch me in ways that drove me wild. Simply having his hands under my shirt, even if they were still only on my back, was a huge step for me.
Times with him felt wonderful. My most intimate experience up until that point then occurred in my house late on a Saturday night. He and I had watched a movie with my mom and her boyfriend, chatted, and simply enjoyed each other’s company. My mom and her boyfriend went upstairs to give us some privacy. Not really in the mood for another movie, I turned on some music. We laid down on the couch and talked for a bit, but it soon progressed to kissing. He kept his hands to my lower back and hips because that was what I was comfortable with. Well, being so close with him on top of me, we did start to grind together. It was at a relatively slow pace and the focus was still on the kissing more than anything else, but I ended up having an orgasm. I’ve masturbated (many times) in the past and brought myself over the edge that way, but this was the first time someone else had managed to make me feel that kind of pleasure. The crazy thing is, we were both in jeans! Right after it happened, we just looked at each other, and he brushed my hair out of my face and said, “so beautiful.” I smiled and settled myself in his arms.
Anyway, long story short, I’m still a virgin and I’m still with him, in fact we haven’t gotten much farther physically than that experience, but being with him feels intimate and beautiful. I can see myself with him long term and losing my virginity to him. I may be young, but I’ve never been happier. He makes me feel safe, never pushing me beyond what I’m comfortable with, and he cares for me on an emotional and intellectual level, as a lot of what we have done has had little to nothing to do with the physical. I enjoy being with him in every single way, because I know I’m not just some girl to him.