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The first baby I held was in the summer I was 13. My 12 day old cousin was small and warm in my arms. My aunt had asked me if I wanted to hold her and my parents encouraged me, so I took her in my arms. She was so warm in my cold arms. She’d wiggle in my arms and look at me with half closed eyes. I think it’s a memory I’ll always remember.

While I held her I listened to my father and his sister talk. She told him how my other cousins had come to see her as well. It had been right after the birth so she had lightly complained about my cousin Madison. “Of course she wanted to hold the baby” I was confused about what she meant, but I didn’t ask.

Later I thought about it and I thought about whether it was normal for a young girl to want to hold a baby. It seemed my aunt thought so. I wondered if I was offered to hold the baby because I was a girl or if I was expected to want to. I was very confused for quite a while, though I never said anything.

Around the time I had a school friend who liked to talk about growing up to have babies. We would spend our time together talking about baby names and what they would be like. It seems weird to me now, but at the time it was completely normal. I felt confused about the whole thought of babies, after that.

My Mum had told me times before that she never wanted children, and how it was because of her husband that I was born. I was very young when she first said this to me, but I don’t think I understood till I was much older. When I did I felt so hurt, like someone had hit me. And so, still very young, I decided I would never have a baby. My Mum didn’t respond when I told her this, but my dad told me he was kind of disappointed to not have grand kids.

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I didn’t know how I felt about their reactions or about that child I had held years ago, but I think I’ve come to terms with my self. I just don’t know if I want to have a baby. I know that if I do decide to have a child I’ll defiantly be the most loving parent I never had. I’m still young and I have much more time to think it over and I will take all the time I need.

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