I don’t actually know when it started. I was always best friends with him. We grew up together. I had known him for 10 years when it happened. I was 15, just a month or so before my 16th birthday. We always spoke about sex and sexual things and I felt so close to him, like we could share anything. We discussed our childish fantasies and, in a society overrun by sex, we had a lot to discuss. I don’t know when he started to confuse emotional intimacy with physical intimacy.

Looking back, I guess he was always inappropriate. He would do what young boys’ do- grab my ass, make comments about my body etc. But it was ok because that was HIM, he could get away with anything. Honestly, I think I liked him more than just friends. There was always something there, that possibility, but we never acted on it. It was just too weird.

Eventually, he got a girlfriend. It was grade 10- the partying year, and boy, did we party. It was never more than 10 of us; we liked to keep things small. We only ever drank, there were never drugs. We partied at a girls’ house whose parents were chilled with alcohol.

The one night we were all messing around, playing suck and blow, and he started feeling me up. I didn’t make anything of it because he was just like that. He was touching me and after a while we were in the pool. Some other guy was with us. I don’t know how subtle we were but he stuck his hand in my underwear- that’s all we were wearing. The girl’s parents weren’t home so the two guys and I went to go lie in their bed. That was the first time he fingered me. It was terrible. It was so unexpected and uncomfortable. I couldn’t get wet. He was really rough.

The next time it happened was at a guy’s house. I was falling over drunk. I don’t really remember how we got to the bathroom. I knew we had flirted a bit but when he took my pants off I said no. It made me super uncomfortable. He was checking out my vagina and complimenting it. I wanted to die. I was wearing thigh high boots so my pants didn’t go down. He made me stand up and he started fingering me. I think I was in shock because I just sagged against him and asked him to stop. I still don’t know if he didn’t understand. I said ow (I wasn’t wet) and tried to push him away. When he had finished I went outside.

It only hit me the next day at our school’s fun day. His girlfriend was with him. I started freaking out so my best friend walked me home. I told her everything and we cried together. We told my sister, who told my parents for me. We were leaving for Europe in a few weeks. I decided not to go to the police; I just couldn’t imagine causing trouble for him. I went away for a month and when I came back I saw a psychologist.

Most of my friends know what happened to me but they are all still friends with him. Even the best friend who cried with me.I don’t know what to do because seeing him makes me sick and my friends aren’t doing what I need them to do. It’s only been a year and I feel like I’m starting to sound whiny. I don’t want to lose more friends… I need them. Sometimes I wonder if I just imagined the whole thing, like maybe I didn’t say no enough or maybe I led him on. I know that it’s natural to second guess what happened but sometimes I just wish I could forget it so that things could go back to normal.

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