I have waited for this day for so long, a dream of mine was finally becoming a reality. Looking down at the home pregnancy test I have purchased from the pharmacy just moments ago, staring at the positive test result: I’m pregnant! I couldn’t wait to get home to tell my fiancée that we did it, we are pregnant. Seeing that joy in his eyes was a joy I will never forget.

Then one evening sitting in the living room, I just got the feeling that something wasn’t right. He told me to relax, and maybe it was just paranoia as I headed into my second trimester. I tried to relax and something just kept on nudging me to get to a doctor as soon as possible.

The following day I went to a different gynae and he told me that I was having an ectopic pregnancy. Everything right there and then came down on me. Like I couldn’t breathe and to top it off the doctor was not very kind or helpful and he just gave me a referral to take to the emergency unit at a hospital. I stormed out, feeling devastated and I remember that thought of why would God do this to me flowing through my mind.

I made an appointment at a different gynae and he was very helpful and warm even though he said it as it was, he took the time to explain everything to me from the start to the end. The consequences and the reality of the situation at hand. I understood what I had to do even though it was the hardest thing I ever had to do. I had to end my child’s life before it even started in this world.

My fiancée was devastated as well and very supportive. The day when I was admitted into hospital, he chose not to stay and I respect him for that. He had to say goodbye to his unborn child and I had to sign those papers to end his or her life in order to save my own.

I was admitted and the nurses were great. They were so supportive and understanding and it was to the extent that they understood my pain almost as if they were there in the same situation sometime before.  As the nurse brought the papers I looked at the monitor and saw my child’s heart beating, it broke my heart and I just broke down and cried and I couldn’t sign those papers. How was I supposed to end my child’s life when I could see the heartbeat on the monitor. That was my little bean.

IMG-20150712-00253

I eventually signed after a nurse spoke to me and reminded me of what would happen if my tube ruptured and both our lives would end. This type of pregnancy is life threatening and I had to do it. I had to end my child’s life and that image on the scan was the last time I saw the heartbeat, but it’s forever in my memory.

As I entered the operation room, I saw my doctor standing and patiently waiting for me. He looked right through me and I remember the words he told me as he touched my shoulder. Those words are the ones that kept me sane, kept me from questioning everything and stopped me from hating myself for doing what I have just done. He said: “it is not your fault.”

Those few simple words made me stronger than I had been in a while and whenever I remember that day, I remember the strength one doctor gave me to get through this without hating myself. When I awoke, I was in so much pain because I had to have a C-section. My baby was too big for the procedure that they had planned and had to cut me open to remove him/her. When I heard that I couldn’t deal with the pain, I curled up and I broke down with heartache. I killed my baby.

The next six weeks everything in my life came to an end. I resigned from my job without having a plan and my fiancée stayed around me when I was accusing him of things that I made up in my mind. The pain was so real and I couldn’t understand how easily he adjusted to the loss of our baby. It was killing me inside and the scan of the last moment I had with him/her is all I have left till this day.

We planned to have another child and in all hopes of having children were taken away with miscarriages, one after the other.

Whenever I looked down at my belly and see all those scars that are left after the surgeries and each one has its own story and sadness to it. My belly tells my children’s untold stories and every morning when I get out the shower or night when I get out of a bath I am constantly reminded of my loss and reminded of the strength one man has given me by just letting me know it was not my fault.

Up until today, the pain of losing my child and the others that followed is still real, and I don’t think I would be able to lose another child again. I just stopped trying to fall pregnant and I never have for the past 7 years I have been infertile.

That one dream of mine ended in tragedy, and the others that were taken away from me, and now even though so many years have passed and I feel that I am ready to be a mother, finding out that will never happen without treatment which I cannot afford, my dreams are shattered and all I have left are the scars of my beautiful children that left me behind.

Advertisements